Challenges of An International Marriage in a Pandemic
Over the years I have thought about the movie, The Day After Tomorrow* on a somewhat regular basis. This is a fairly standard apocalyptic flick starring Dennis Quaid and a young Jake Gyllenhaal. The dad, played by Quaid, does everything to get to his son while the world descends into a deep freeze. When other plans fail he ends up walking for miles in super sub zero (and I mean sub fahrenheit and celsius zero) temperatures to get to his kid (Gyllenhaal). This movie came to mind a bit more often in the month of January as some of the challenges of an international marriage in a pandemic came to the forefront of my thoughts.*(Available through Amazon Prime – ad)
You Can’t Walk from Scotland to the US
I think about this movie largely because of the damn ocean that seems to be in between North America and the United Kingdom. In the movie, Papa Quaid was able to struggle through the wind and the cold to get to his kid. Should various apocalyptic scenarios happen and I am in Scotland I couldn’t make my way of my own volition back to my family. I couldn’t just start walking and keep walking until I got there. No bike and no super long Forrest Gump style run would get me there. Save for maybe a darn good boat and a helluva lot of luck, I would be in fact S.O.L.. Otherwise, there is a giant ocean in the way and I know full well I can’t swim that far.
Even if I could walk from Scotland to the US, my husband and I would then be faced with disaster scenario Code Shit Hit-eth Thy Fan. This would be as he was emotionally pulled between staying with his family in Scotland and his wife (me). The scenario works the same in the opposite direction, too. While we are in Vermont should an apocalyptic disaster scenario hit my hubby would then be le screwed trying to figure out how to navigate that pull between movie-style conquering the ocean to get to his family and his wifey. Fun way to look at it: it’s nice that we have that many people to love that much.
This may all sound ridiculous..
Why would I even take up space in my mind with thoughts like these? Those apocalyptic scenarios are good for Hollywood movies but aren’t reality. Don’t I have better things to worry about?
Well, the sheer mass of that ocean never felt bigger than it has during this pandemic. Nor has my realization of my deep dependency on some form of commercial transit and at least relatively open borders between countries. I never realized how dependent I was on these things. Planes flying. Borders being open. Things I took for granted before but will strive to never again. It also makes me aware of the privilege that I’ve experienced being able to flit between countries on the regular like it was no big deal.
There Were Always Going to Be Challenges
I knew when we got married that there were going to be some challenges: missing time with families, health insurance, taxes. I knew that with my husbands job there would end up being months that we were apart. These things were expected.
You know what I had never even remotely fathomed when I was thinking about potential challenges? Even in the apocalyptic nightmare-ish way? A pandemic. I also didn’t realize the extra challenges that would exist because of that pandemic.
The mental challenges of our particular situation had been apparent to me since March of last year when the first wave of closures and panic happened. After dealing with the constant changing plans and border closures of being on the ship during the initial shut down, the regulations between the United Kingdom and United States over the rest of the pandemic have been workable for us. On the scale of things we’ve actually had it pretty easy compared other international couples we know. We’re married and we don’t have kids. For those that aren’t married it’s been even more challenging, and for those with kids they have to not only juggle all of these challenges but also remote learning and all that jazz.
Increased Uncertainty
After getting through the first wave of massive uncertainty though, things had kind of leveled out. We knew some of what to expect with open and closed borders and availability of flights. Coming out of Christmas and into the New Year though, new uncertainties abound as we found ourselves in a whole new tumultuous phase. This was prompted by both the new-ish strain, B.1.1.7, of the virus that originated in the UK, resulting in a subsequent (and still happening) months long lockdown, as well as a changing political landscape in the United States.
As more became known about variant B.1.1.7 and how contagious it was, the world became nervous for UK arrivals. At the same time a President with a much stronger will to back and trust science entered the White House. As he took that stronger stance would it include additional border closures?
If I Really Needed To Get Home, Could I?
In addition to all of that fun, while all of this was happening I had a family member in the US end up in the hospital. Suddenly that dang movie came to mind more often than not. If I really, really, needed to get to the US, would I actually be able to?
Adding to these uncertainties was my husbands work. When was he going? Where will the ship be when he joins? If he comes to the US with me will that negatively affect his job? Right now is not the time to roll the dice on employment. So, if we don’t know when he’s going to work and I need to go to the US, what do we do? Does he stay there and I go for the potential sake of his work (and our financial health and stability) even though that would equate to not knowing when we would see each other again?
I was accustomed to being able to hop on a plane and get home within 15-20 hours at any point should the need arise. Yes, there were times that financial constraints prevented a trip here or there, but it was always at least an option. Suddenly, that ability, plus the mental safety net that ability created, felt like they were gone or fleeting, unsure, and unsteady.
Answered Questions…
Over the course of the last week in January all of the million questions I had going around in my head started to be answered. We found out when my husband was going back to work, that he could come with me to the US, that there were still flights going and despite quite a few getting cancelled, ours actually went. I wish I could say that I’ve learned to worry less, but I can’t say that I have. But, this pandemic isn’t over and there are more times of uncertainty ahead.
I realize that compared to some in this pandemic all of these uncertainties might not seem like that big of a deal. A lot of people have faced a lot more challenges during this pandemic than I have. This pandemic has been mentally hard for I would guess almost everybody. This, and these uncertainties, is how it is has been hard for me.
