Is It Just That I Want a Job?

Here’s the thing: I have been trying to figure out what to do for a long time now.  It’s not just identifying the broad spectrum of what I want, but specifically and exactly what I want, as well as how much I want to do to get it.

I grew up, went to school, went to college, graduated, ended up in a job, then sort of ended up in another job, and another job.  None of it was on a whim, but none of it involved too much delving into my psyche to identify what would be the actual best thing for me. What would make me click, make me excited to get up in the morning, make me care about what I am doing.

And, now, I find myself here. Here in this life where a normal life is not an option I want to pursue. I don’t want to work a normal 9-5 job with 2 weeks of vacation each year when my husband is gone on a ship for three months at a time. So, this has mostly left me looking for a job back working on cruise ships.

Do you hear that silence?

Why, yes! I do, too. It’s crickets. It’s the sound of rejection.  It’s the sound of not getting any of the jobs that I have applied for on board.

It’s the sound of doubt in whether or not I should have quit the job on board that I had. Did I really hate it? No, I didn’t hate it. I hated parts of it, but parts of it I loved… my old boss is gone, maybe I should go back…

See. Doubt.

It’s theoretically great for the cruise line – it means that for once they have enough people in various roles that they aren’t begging for just anyone to come off the street.

Then I get onboard. Holy hell there are some dipshits. So, wait, somehow they got a job and I didn’t?

Oh my goodness! Self-worth check and re-check and rejection and pain and I know that we’re someplace super cool and  that’s such a great opportunity but holy hell should I just go get a job on land because how is that person more employable than me?

This downward spiral happens on occasion, but certainly when I don’t hear back from a job and then I see someone else get it.  This is also a way that social media is terrible.

So, now I have ended up here. I am debating going back to school – I am excited about the idea of it. But, what do I go for?

What do I want?

If you have ever tried to identify specifically what you want without knowing specifically what you are passionate about it is painstakingly challenging.  So, is it that I just want a job – or that I want a specific job?

How do you go for something when you don’t know what it is you want to go for? How do you put all of your eggs in one basket? Hell, how do you get over the feeling that you’re putting all your eggs in one basket?

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